


La Douleur Exquise

by WantToGetLost



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pining, and alittle dash of, i honestly don't know what else to put
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:25:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WantToGetLost/pseuds/WantToGetLost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>La Douleur Exquise: (n) the exquisite pain of wanting the affection of someone you know you can't have. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	La Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> longest fic i have written so much, wow. anyway, it just louis pining after harry, tbh.

Everytime Louis looked at Harry he got this sense of home and felt somehow safe and Louis never questioned that because he thought that’s what you’re suppose to feel when you look at your best mate. He also didn’t question that when Harry touched him, he felt his skin tingly and he felt like a thousand burning suns – and he didn’t mind. Just by thinking of his curly best friend, he could feel himself smile against his will. It was remarkable how his body reacted to Harry’s. When Harry touched him, he involuntarily moved towards his touch, without even thinking about it, it just became a second-nature to him.

 

Louis world circled around Harry in every possible way – and he never questioned it.

 

He never consider himself to be a jealous person, maybe because he never anything to be jealous about. He was doing well in uni ( Surprisingly even to him, if he was honest ) and he was also doing awesome with his soccer team and he had all of sisters who were also his everything, and he had Harry who he shared an apartment with since his second year in uni.  He never had anything to envy at all, he was grateful for everything he has and has ever had.

 

Until his first back to uni for his third year when Harry came knocking to his bedroom’s door, asking him if he could please put a shirt and come to the living room, that he wanted Louis to meet someone. He had shrugged, whatever, they probably were one of those hipsters’ friends Harry has from that internship at the radio of the university. ( Honestly only Harry would find an internship like that, a radio? But Harry was Louis best friend so he didn’t question it because it made Harry happy and if he was happy so was Louis. ) He had thrown on a shirt, saved his essay on his mac and ruffled his hair a bit, trying to look presentable as he walked to their shared living room, but he backtracked a little and snatched the hot cup of tea sitting on Harry’s table in his bedroom and _then_ made his way to the living room. He took a sip and looked up and – there was a girl standing in their living room.

 

Louis didn’t like her from the start, although he couldn’t quite say why.

He looked at Harry with a raised eyebrow, one hand inside his sweatpants and sipping his tea.

 

“Louis, this is Emma,” Harry said and paused before continuing. “My girlfriend.”

 

Louis always choked on his tea.

 

He put his tea down and raced to the kitchen for some napkins to wipe his chin and shirt. ( Dammit, it was a new shirt. ) He walked back and tried to say something but it seemed the words were stuck on his throat and refused to get out – why, once again, he didn’t know. “Sorry, I – I just wasn’t expecting that. If I am honest, I thought it was another Nick Grimshaw – who I don’t like, by the way, Harry. He’s too flirty, ugh. – I mean, sorry. I’m Louis.” He was a blabbering idiot when he was nervous and when he was mad because usually in those situations he had no idea what to sat but lets go with nervous because why would he be mad at Harry’s friend, he means girlfriend?

 

“Hi Louis,” She smiled at him and then back at Harry. “I was just coming to say hi, I should be going anyway.” She stepped closer to Louis and extended her hand out and Louis stared at it for a minute before he realized he was supposed to shake it.

 

“Oh.” He took her hand and tried his best to smile. She stepped back and took a few steps towards Harry and kissed him – while Louis was there, how rude – and then smiled at him one more time before she looked at Louis and said, “Nice to meet you, Louis.” She then walked to their door and disappeared behind it. Louis then turned to Harry.

 

“When the fuck did this happen, mate? Like, we have only been back for a week.” He raised his eyebrow and tried his best to be normal – why? Because - fuck, he didn’t know. There just was this feeling on his chest and stomach that he didn’t like at all and he wanted it to go away – talking to his best mate.

 

Harry laughed. “We met this summer. She started working at the radio station this summer, same shift as me. We kinda talked a lot and after almost a month, I asked her out on a date. One month ago, we became official. We have been dating for almost months now.” He explained, smiling brightly and easily.

He felt himself nod before stopping. “Wait, if you been dating for almost two months, then how come I only meet her _now?”_ He asks, though it would have been better to have never met her at all.

 

“Because I just wanted to make sure we were serious with what we had before you met her.”

 

Louis’ stomach churned. They were serious, oh shit. They were serious after two months. Right, of course. Best mates don’t get mad or jealous that their mate has a girlfriend so why is Louis feeling all that? He nodded again and closed his eyes for a second and opened them again. “I have to go finish my report, you’re making dinner right?” He asked, his usual playful demeanor coming back. Harry and nodded and slid – _yes,_ slid. Harry had legs of a baby giraffe, he was all lanky and long limbs and he didn’t take steps, _he slid._ -  He swung an arm around Louis shoulder, burying his face on Louis neck and he couldn’t help but to shiver as he felt Harry’s breath.   
  
“Are you okay?” He asked.

 

“Ye – yeah, fine. I just feel like this report is really hard, you know.” He closed his eyes.

 

“Sure?” Harry pulled away, looking at Louis with a bright smile and he couldn’t tell him the truth – _I don’t like your stupid girlfriend who you are serious after two months and if you ask why, I don’t know –_ so he just nodded. Harry let go of Louis and let him walk back to his bedroom.

 

Later that night, while they were eating dinner, Louis realized why he felt all those stupid emotions earlier that day and did what any other reasonable person would have – he freaked the fuck out.

 

 

Louis did what he could do best, which is read. He had never gone through so much books ever than he did in this past month. He spend every waking moment reading, after doing whatever he had to do, and mostly tried to avoid any contact with any other human being. He has never been the best at hiding his feelings to other peoples and any good at keeping secrets, too. He knew the second he saw any of his mates, Liam or Zayn, probably ( because those two could figure out you had been shagging the hour before just by looking at you and at first it creep out Louis but then he just learned they were just really good observers, more than any other person he know. ) and then they would just _know_ something was wrong with Louis and ask questions he doent want to answer, and then he would probably let them in his despair –

 

Louis has a crush on Harry.

 

And god fucking dammit, Louis had never done something so stupid in his life as this, to like his best mate. Because he knew for a _fact_ Harry was straight as the next buffy, soccer-crazed guy on the soccer team, and Louis was the gayest guy you could ever meet ( he takes pride in that like a good person should ) and he has always been grateful that Harry has never alienated or treated him different because of the fact that he was gay. He still remembers when he come out to Harry ( he came out to him before his own family ) when he was a lanky 16 going to 17 year old, although he knew his sexuality since he was 14 years old but choose to keep it to himself ( his dick didn’t though, he had shagged lots of guys before he had come out, and now that he thinks about, didn’t make much sense if he ‘wanted to keep quiet.’ ) so he decided it was time to tell Harry. The fucker had only shrugged, smile and said he suspected and that he still loved Louis the same way he always did and will always love him and that he was happy that he had the courage to tell him and he felt honor Louis trusted him enough to tell him first than any other person. He has always been a fucking sap and Louis couldn’t helped but cry because he thought he was going to lost his best mate in this whole wide fucked up world that he called his life.

 

Fucking pathetic life, which he was now spending by reading Shakespeare again. Romeo and Juliet, to be exact, _for fun._ Not even his own classmates read Shakespeare for fun, because it’s too hard to understand and all that crap but Louis does enjoy actually, as any other drama student should. Because Shakespeare _understood_ how feelings really worked. He sighs again, reading the scene where Romeo is crying for his love for Rosaline, and Louis has never related to his guy before, always thought he was exaggerating, _“Alas, that love, so gentle in view should be so tyrannous and rough in proof.”_ Like, he never understood that line. _“Its sad. Love looks like a nice thing, but it’s actually very rough when you experience it.”_ Not that he loves Harry, god no. He just strongly likes him, that’s all, and yes, it hurts to see him with another person. God, especially a girl. It just screams at his face that he has a 0 percent chance of even trying to have something with harry because he likes vagina, boobs and all that shit that Louis didn’t like. Sad, that’s what his life is right now, sad and stupid.

 

He had enough of being sad right now.

 

He got up from his bed and stretched out. He has been curled up in his best all day, probably. He came from his morning classes, and went straight to his room to read and ignore Harry with his daily cup of tea of sadness ( it wasn’t just one, it was more than he could count actually ). He needed a refill about now. He ruffled his hair as he opened his door and walked to his kitchen. He was almost done with this tea when he noticed that he hadn’t heard Harry come in, he was usually at home an hour or two after Louis, but hadn’t come yet and it was 9 pm already and Harry always carries out his routine. He tiptoed to Harry’s room, tea forgotten on their kitchen counter as he tried to figure out where his mate was. He had already dialed his number and had his phone pressed against his ear as he opened the door to Harry’s bedroom.

 

Louis wished he had been a loner, stayed in bedroom and had never came out when he saw Emma and Harry sprawled on the floor, fucking _studying._ ( Who actually brings a girl to their apartment and actually studies with them, for gods sake. ) He opened his mouth to talk when they both looked up at him, “Sorry, I was just worried I hadn’t seen you come in and came to check on you, sorry for interrupting,” He muttered, pressing the end button on his phone and putting it on his sweatpants pockets.

 

Harry stood up, “Its fine, we’re just reviewing for the radio show, we have a new segment and we have to get all the technical stuff ready, but we’re almost done though.” He explained and Louis nodded and looked down at the floor.

 

“I should be leaving you then,” He said awkwardly, but before he could close the door, Harry walked to him and gripped his forearm

 

“Can I talk to you for a second first?”

 

The first thing that popped in Louis mind was ‘ _If he said he fucked me, he probably didn’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about,’_ but then realized that didn’t concern Harry so his next thought was ‘ _I don’t not like you, okay, maybe I do but I wont admit that,’_ and honestly, he prefer the rumor of someone fucking him instead of that. “Sure,” He muttered, realizing he had taken too long to answer.

 

Harry dragged him outside his bedroom and closed the door behind them. “Is something wrong?” He asked and Louis wanted nothing more than kiss the little frown on his face, showing his concern for him. Harry was just so adorable without even trying and dammit, that was going to be a problem for Louis, he just knows it.

 

“Nope, everything is fantastic,” He answer but unfortunately, his voice betrayed him by going a little too high. Harry raised an eyebrow as in ‘ _I don’t quite believe you.’_ “Really, I am. I just been having some… personal issues lately that I hadn’t expected.”

 

“Personal issues?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you sure its not something about, maybe a guy?” _Stupid, over-grown man child who could read him like words on a page._

“How in the actual fuck do you know?”

 

“Louis, we been friend since I was 4 years old, do you not think I would know when you’re having guy-problems? Like, I know when you been shagging a guy because your hair is untamable and your lips are usually redder than usual and your right leg limps a little, I would know when you’re hanged over a guy.” Harry said smiling with every word he said and Louis tried his best not to do anything stupid.

 

“Oh my _god,_ I can’t believe you know when I have had sex! You never told me that!”

 

“Is not honestly that hard to figure out but that’s beside the point, the point here is you like someone.” He said, folding his arms and leaning against the wall with a raised eyebrow, he was just enjoying this, the fucker.

 

“Who does not like me back.” Louis said miserably, trying not to pout.

 

“You know what you should do?”

 

“Hit your face so you can take that damn smirk off?”

 

“No, go to a party and shag a someone so you can forget about that guy who doesn’t like you back!” Harry beamed like he has had the best idea when it really wasn’t. His choice of words made Louis scowl a little bit too.

 

“Great fucking idea Harry, why not? Maybe because I don’t want to shag anyone right now.” Louis just wasn’t in the mood for sex right now, which was very weird because he is always up for some dick in his ass but not right now when he couldn’t take the picture of kissing Harry off his mind.

 

“Aw, c’mon, you’ll enjoy yourself! Go get ready, I’ll tell Emma we’re going to a party.”

 

Louis grimaced at her name, scrunching his nose and nodded because he knew there was no use in arguing with Harry because that was just exhausting and maybe Harry was right, maybe being with another guy would help him get over this stupid crush he has.

 

Maybe going to a party wasn’t such a bad idea at all.

 

 

Going to a party was a bad idea after all. Who knew.

 

When they had arrived at Zayn’s house, the first thing Louis did was search for the bear so he could get drunk. He navigated the college-student invaded house until he finally found the bear kettle on the backyard. After some short and boring conversations with some random people, he tried to search for anyone who he actually knew, but alas, he wasn’t successful. He walked around, a beer in hand and looked in the rooms for Harry because he was his ride home and he honestly wanted to go home right that minute and walking isnt an option when Zayn's house had to be almost a half an hour walk from his and Harry's flat. 

 

Once again, Louis regretted his decisions.

 

He opened the third door down the hallway to the right and found Emma on top of Harry while they were making out, Harry’s hand up her shirt, moving down her torso.

 

Louis wanted to throw up.

 

He closed the door before any of them realized what was happening and tried to find the next guy who was desperate for a shagging because Louis needed a distraction right now, something, _anything._

 

He saw Aiden, a team member of his soccer team whom he knew he could a random hook up with, since it was not the first time that it would happen.

 

Louis walked up to him and Aiden smiled at him, his eyes asking him a question he didn’t know the answer to, _‘are you okay?’_ Louis took a deep breath before wrapping his hand on Aiden’s collar and dragging him down so their lips could meet. At first he didn’t respond to Louis but then Louis felt his hands moved to his arse and he knew he was going to be fucked right that second. He let Aiden take his legs and wrapped them around his waist. Aiden walked to the nearest empty room and threw Louis on the bed. He climbed on top of him, his hands wandering all around Louis’ body. He tried to get into it, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t get the image of Harry kissing Emma and when he felt Aiden’s hard on his thigh he pulled away from their kiss and pushed Aiden off him. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t be with someone else when he kept thinking about the way Harry’s hands would feel like on his skin.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He croaked as he stumbled away from Aiden. He looked slightly confused and slightly mad at Louis’ sudden change. Louis stumbled out of the room, squinting at the light and tried his best to not cry because _it was too much._ He was feeling too many emotions at the same time, he wanted throw something at the wall, to see it break against it.  

 

He pushed against the masses of people to get to the front door, he wanted to get away from here as fast as he could and he was willing to walk 20 minutes to do so instead of facing Harry again.

 

It was cold as the wind hit his rosy cheeks. He kept taking deep breaths, trying not to do something stupid as to have a panic attack. He always had them when everything felt overwhelming, which realizing you’re in love with your best mate could do.

 

Louis had never put any thoughts in his and Harry’s friendship; dismissed their cuddles and everything as simply friendly. Yeah, they had kissed on or twice, but those were just jokes, with a truth and dare game and they didn’t count and Louis never really thought much of them. He never questioned why he could spend hours upon hours with Harry and never get bored of him, how seeing Harry smiled was the best gift he could ever get, and to see Harry smiled at _him_ was everything he could ever want. Was that love? To want to give them everything and so much more, to wish them happiness even though it may mean not you? Louis couldn’t – he couldn’t sabotage Harry’s relationship because he hasn’t seen him in a serious relationship for years.

 

If Emma made Harry happy, then Louis was okay with that, no matter how much it would hurt him, Harry’s happiness meant much more than Louis’ own one. He was willing to get hurt to see Harry happy.

 

 

The next time he saw Harry, Louis was curled up in his bed, watching a show he wasn’t paying attention while also trying to do his work. Tomorrow was Monday and he hadn’t done much of his work for his classes and he couldn’t let something as feelings take his attention from classes. He has always wanted to make his mother proud by giving his best at school.

 

When Louis saw Harry on his door, he tried his best to put on a smile but didn’t try when the ache on his heart was too much. He just look down at his textbook and continue highlighting. “Hey,” He mumbled, putting his highlighter down and looking at Harry when he felt the other side of the bed dip with Harry’s weight.

 

“Hi,” Harry replied, his voice deep and slow like always. “Are you okay? I haven’t seen since last night at the party, you left early. I searched for you but you weren’t anywhere, I got worried and you didn’t answer your phone. Who gave you a ride?” Harry’s voice was so gentle and Louis wanted to _cry._ Because Harry is always so gentle with him, doesn’t matter if Louis is older, Harry is always looking out for him and Louis just _can’t._

“Sorry,” He muttered, feeling slightly guilty when he shouldn’t; because it was him who was drowning in emotions last night, not Harry. “I just – it was too much for me and I just wanted to get home. I tried to find you but – “ He tried not to choke on his own words and continued. “But you were nowhere so I went home. Liam gave me a ride, don’t worry.” He lied because he didn’t want to make Harry feel bad.

 

Harry nodded and lay down on the bed, his arms behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling. “You didn’t answer my first question though, are you okay?”

 

“No. I saw him at the party yesterday with someone else and that wasn’t very pleasant to see.” Louis saw Harry wince and immediately felt bad. “It wasn’t your fault, don’t worry.”

 

“No, it is my fault. I was the one who made you go to the party when you didn’t want to. I thought being with someone else was going to help, I’m sorry Louis.”

 

“I don’t want a one-night stand, Harry. I want a serious relationship, someone I can rely on. Not someone who will leave me in the morning.” Louis said softly, closing his textbook and setting it down next to his mac. He turned to Harry who still lay down on the bed, his head turned to him. “Sleeping with someone isn’t going to help me.”

 

Harry sat up. “I’m sorry for forcing you to, Lou.”

 

“Its fine,” He shook his head and tried his best to smile at his mate.

 

Harry smiled gently at him and said, “Emma says she wants to get to know you properly,” and Louis completely deflated because of course when they were having a friend-to-friend-who-he-likes-more-than-a-friend talk he brings her up. “I was thinking like having a movie night or something.”

 

“I would be the third wheel, no thank you.” Louis said as an excuse he wasn’t going to endure watching them together when it was already hard enough _knowing_ they are together.

 

Harry rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

 

Louis sighed in relief. He hoped he didn’t have to have any contact with her at all, it would hurt too much, more than it already does.

 

“Hey, can I bring her to tomorrow when the lads come for movie night then?”

 

Louis sighed, this time in defeat. She was his best mate’s girlfriend, who was he kidding, he couldn’t avoid her even if he wanted to, no matter how much he wished.

 

His life was a stupid romcon right now and Louis didn’t appreciate the big guy up there playing with him like this. He didn’t appreciate having his heart scrunch up in pain knowing that Harry was never going to be with him in any way or form. Louis always thought that the first time he would fall in love was going to be amazing and wonderful, he never knew loving someone could be as painful as this.

 

 

There was a thing about winter that Louis really hated. All the café’s he went to were always full with people hoping to get warm, he always got a cold too, and the only thing he could forward to was his birthday and Christmas because he got to see his family and he really missed his sisters if he was honest.

 

 But first there was the thing of having exams before break that Louis didn’t appreciate. He would stay up until unholy hours studying material after materials in hopes to at least get a passing grade. Exams always stressed him. He and Harry had always studied together, didn’t matter the material was different. Harry would randomly takes his notes and quiz and he would do the same and he admits it, the system really worked wanders. They have always done it since high school.

 

Louis put his pencil on his textbook and got up from his bedroom floor because he needed Harry’s help in this section, he couldn’t quiz himself on this. He walked to the bedroom next door and knocked on the door and then heard the shuffling on Harry walking to open it.

 

When Harry opened it, he was he was wearing some really tight jeans and a plaid shirt, his curls bouncing with each step he took. Louis was distracted for a minute before he realized he was staring. “Uh, I was wondering if you could help me study,” He asked, a smile on his face and Harry turned around ruffling through his drawer searching for something.

 

“Sorry Lou, cant. Going to help Emma study tonight.”

 

Louis could honestly hear his heart break as each second passed before he said anything. “Of course,” He muttered, hurt visible in his tone. Harry turned around slowly.

 

“Was that supposed to mean?”

 

“It means, _of course._ Go spend all your time with her, like you have been doing these past months. Honestly, you always said you would be there for me even when you had someone but look at us now. When was the last time you asked me how I was? When was the last time he had night for us? To watch a stupid movie and laugh together last best mate do?” Louis said and took a deep breath because he has been holding back for months, holding back his hurt and all his anger because he never wanted to be the source of Harry’s hurt but there was just a point where Louis had to break. He doesn’t remember the last time they laughed together, or the last time they eat together. It didn’t matter if Louis loved Harry, they were still best mates and best mates didn’t blow each other off for their girlfriend. Unless, of course, that person was far more important that their friend. Louis could feel a tear brim on his eyes from just thinking about it because he couldn’t go on without Harry.

 

Harry stared speechless at him. “Oh my god, I – I am so sorry, I – didn’t know you felt like that.” He looked so small, big eyes looking at him, timid tone.

 

“Are you serious Harry? These past months have been hell for me, I had _cried_ minutes before talking to you and you never even noticed! You never noticed because you’re too blind! Honestly, how haven’t you figured it out yet?”

 

“What are you talking about Louis?”

 

“That I am in love with you, you fucking idiot! That I love you and it hurts because you’re with her! Do you know how much it hurts to see you with her? I can’t do anything,” Louis whimpered. “Because you’re happy and I don’t want to ruin that. I just want you to be with someone who makes you happy and I understand that person isn’t me. I do, I know, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting like it hurts now. I – I am fucking mess without you Harry, of course I would be the one to fall in love with you and ruin whatever we had. _I’m sorry,_ I honestly didn’t mean to! I tried to stop liking you but I cant! When you smile at me, all I can do is smile back because you’re my everything! I can’t fucking stop loving you no matter how much I want to! I fucking cant and it hurts so much.” Louis let out a small sob because this was his breaking point, he had reached the point where he couldn’t go on anymore and yelling and screaming his secrets were the way to let this pain go.

 

He looked up to look at Harry, who was rooted to his spot with no words coming out of his mouth. Louis understood, he had ruined everything with those words. “I’m so sorry, I’ll just – I’ll just leave now.” He muttered and exiting Harry’s in hopes of escaping because he needed something to take away the pain of rejection. Who knew his first heartbreak would be because of Harry? Who knew loving someone could hurt this much?

 

Louis almost ran to their flat’s door when he felt a hand on his elbow as he touched the knob. He turned around to see Harry and then his gaze fell to the floor as Harry backed him away against the door. “Let me go, Harry.” He mumbled with no energy left inside him anymore, no more to give.

 

“You big fucking dumbass.”

 

Louis looked up, frowning and surprised at Harry words because 1) he never cursed and 2) he already knew that, why was he telling him again?

 

“Do you not thing I already know that?”

 

“I would think you would know that I love you.”

 

There has always been this moment after someone tell shim something important that Louis cant quite register the words he just heard. It took Louis a few minutes before the words actually started to make sense. When they did, the first thing he did was frown. “I – what the fuck. I thought you were with Emma.”

 

Harry was smiling and Louis felt so confused. “I broke up with her a few months ago.”

 

“Then why did you keep telling you were hanging out with her?”

 

“I was planning you a surprised birthday party here before we left for break because the lads wanted to. I was planning to, uh – tell you about my feelings then.”

“You fucking – I can believe you.” Louis said but his words were full of happiness and relief and Harry understood that Louis felt like he was losing everything just seconds ago and he still had to process whatever was happening and Louis has never been happier Harry could read him like a book as he did then.

 

“Louis.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can I kiss you now?”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Do you honestly need to ask?”

 

There was a second of silent before Louis felt Harry’s slip connect wit his own. If someone ever asked him to describe how it felt, he would say it felt like anything he had ever hoped for and just a little bit more. It was so slow and sweet and there was such a movement to it that let Louis understand this also meant a lot to Harry too, as much as it meant to him, it was gentle and so innocent.

 

If someone ever asked Louis if he could change anything about the way it all happen, about how he and Harry came to be _LouisandHarry,_ he would respond he would change nothing. 


End file.
